Category Archives: Survival Guide

Surviving Tutorial PDF

Now you can have ZOMBIES WE ARE FUCKED TUTORIALS on pdf to share with everyone.


In case of ZOMBIE attack (english)

In case of ZOMBIE attack (spanish)


How to survive a ZOMBIE apocalypse (Part VII) FINALE

Choosing your life partner (Chapter 7).

Forget about those blondes with amazing boobs that scream when they see a stupid bug.
Try to choose her by her knowledge, her capacity to solve problems on a crisis and by how many ZOMBIES she can kill.

From now on you should look all the women around you, if you found one that meets your profile, put her first on your list.
To find her easily you should check these items:

  • SHE ALWAYS USE PLASTIC GLASS: if you have seen in her house this kind of glasses, means that she can handle a season with dry  hair and only eat rat on the sea.
  • SHE CAN HUM “STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN” AND HATES REGGEATON: sadly music and common knowledge go together. If she likes Caribbean Mix and all the stuff that goes with that, you know she will not be able to solve basic survival problems.
    Lucky for us, those kinds of girls will be the first one to die.
    But if she is able to talk about ROCK N’ ROLL for hours besides humming “Stairway to heaven”, be sure to get by her side. She will be the brain in the team.
  • SHE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A KLINGON AND A STORMTROPPER: if she knows the difference, she is a geek, you could spend hours talking and playing games in your spare time.
  • SHE IS NOT AFRAID OF KICKING YOUR ASS FOR MESSING WITH HER: this is really good, means she has character and character make Heroes. Besides she will swear all the damn ZOMBIES while reloading her sawed off shotgun, very useful in danger situations where you depend on her.
  • SHE LOVES SIN CITY AND KILL BILL: in hard times she will maintain calm, when the blood bath starts you won’t hear her screaming like a stupid high school girl. In fact she will save your ass more than once.
  • SHE LIKES SEX: without sex, no kids. Without kids, no civilization. End of the story.

Now you can be prepared to survive in case of a ZOMBIE apocalypse with these tips.

Notice, this is not the only way to survive in case of ZOMBIE apocalypse, most of the tips are for only one survivor.

These rules will only change if you can find more survivors and create a community. Adapt yourself if that’s the case, change your rules, but when egos come in play and you start to see things getting out of control, ditch them before some jerk do something stupid.

Don’t trust anyone, survivors will only try to steal you supplies, weapons and ammo. Learn from ZOMBIES and use it for your own benefit.


How to survive a ZOMBIE apocalypse (Part VI)

The key for surviving (Chapter 6).

Don’t you dare think everything is OK just because you have weapons and food. We are talking about long term survival, which means, everything you get should last a few hours. You need to start thinking long term.

For that, there’s one and only one thing you need: INFORMATION.
Information for defenses and become self-sufficient.

The best thing to do is getting to a library and take all the books for basic survival. In case you haven’t thought about this, here are two books that will help you VERY MUCH.

Fight Club: Excellent urban guerrilla handbook, in this book they teach you how to make NAPALM with orange juice and Coke. With their advice you will be able to make more and more powerful weapons to defend yourself.

Life in the country: This book explains all about seeds, how to choose and make them grow, and even teach you how to skin an animal.

Of course this will only be helpful when you found a secure location. THE NEUTRAL ZONE.
Only once you got some food and weapons you will be able to go to the NEUTRAL ZONE.

Think, if you followed this handbook, you will only have: a couple of bottles with water, some dried fruits, chocolate, binoculars, books, hand to hand weapon and a long range weapon (baseball bat and a shot gun, for example).

You will be able to move freely, ignoring the ones that ask for help and going to visit the people on your list and the ones that might be useful to rebuild civilization.

But, where should the NEUTRAL ZONE be?

It should be an isolated place but with easy access, it should be difficult for zombies to get there but you always need to have the advantage. Have multiple escapes routes and enough space for survivors, even a quarantine zone for those who are infected.

Best place to be, the SEA.
But, why the sea?
Mostly because you can be near the coast, you can check what’s going on.

ZOMBIES will not be able to get you, they are sadly able to walk and I don’t think they will be able to swim, do you? Even if they manage to swim, the ocean currents will do their job and the fact that they go dressed into the ocean is prove enough to know they will go all the way down.

If they swell and start floating everywhere, it might happen, then again, ocean currents might do the job of hitting every ZOMBIE with your baseball bat for you and take them far away. If there are too many of them, just take your boat and look for someplace else.

When bad weather arrives, all you have to do is get near the harbor and wait, for your safety you could take it a little bit further. Sleeping away from the coast is a great idea, you will be safe to get some good sleep, without creepy screams and ZOMBIES trying to get into the building. It will really help you in these apocalyptic times.

Saving water is really easy out on the sea, all you have to do is tie up bottles with water to the boat and let them float freely in the sea, even better because you can fish your own food.

In case you find survivors, you could take precautions, see if they are infected or hurt, most important, if they got any supplies.
From the coast you can check the progress of the apocalypse, what’s going on in the city. Make flare signals to survivors and from time to time go into the city for food, water, medical supplies, ammo and most importantly, books or something to spend time without getting bored (in times like this it could be deadly).

There are RULES you must follow if you want to get into the city for supplies:

  • NEVER LAND ON THE SAME SPOT: these bastards could learn that from time to time you touch land.
  • USE A LIFEBOAT: never use your primary boat, never take it out from the NEUTRAL ZONE, unless is totally necessary. Use your paddles to make the trip, too much noise could bring the attention to you.
  • USE YOUR “COMANDO” UNIFORM WHEN YOU GO TO LAND: never go with the clothes you are wearing, always use your “commando” outfit, every time you dress with that, your mind will automatically change into LOOTING MODE and don’t forget to empty your back pack.
  • NO VISIBILITY OR AT NIGHT, BAD IDEA, DON’T GO: your eyes are your true ally, if you can’t use them, don’t go. Unless you got night vision goggles.
  • BE ONE WITH YOUR SURROUNDING: don’t go like crazy shooting everything, ZOMBIES rule the world now, focus.
    If you enter their domain you should do it like a fucking ninja, in and out without a noise. If you are in need of killing a couple of ZOMBIES do it quietly.
    Try to search for supplies in areas you know with many escape routes and if you get caught, run like hell, don’t be a hero, get to your NEUTRAL ZONE as fast as you can, you will always have time to get what you need.
  • PREPARE SECRET SUPPLIES IN CASE OF EMERGENCY: make little survival supplies and leave them hidden in the city, you never know what could happen.
    Make sure you hide them very well but with easy access for you.
  • KNOW YOUR WAY: get a map of the city as soon as you can, pin point your supplies zones and where you leave your emergency supplies. Before going downtown memorize your way in and out, but remember, it should never be the same and try to have a third option with direct access to the ocean.

If you follow step by step these rules, you should be able to survive years easily.
Think that the ZOMBIES “no-life” is between 10 to 15 years. After that you will only see skeletons.
If you managed to survive all this time, you could search for a place where you can build a farm and live peacefully until you get old and start telling stories to your grandsons about better times, when we used to eat OREO and wasted time saving money to buy a PSP.

Wait, you didn’t think about getting someone to spend what’s left of life with you?

How to survive a ZOMBIE apocalypse (Part V)

Weapons (Chapter 5).

It’s easy to say that with a sawed off shotgun and your balls all will be alright.
Little innocent creature of good, remember, you don’t live in USA and weapons are NOT legal. It’s not going to be that easy find them.
The logic thing to do is to get to a Police Station or some military facility, where you will find tons of barricades and safe perimeter and they will start organizing teams against the ZOMBIE apocalypse.
Buuuuuuut, again, that’s a mistake.
Cops and military people are trained to maintain calm and public order, but they are not qualified to contain an epic disaster like a ZOMBIE apocalypse. They don’t teach them how kill a Vampire or capture a werewolf in the academy.
So, again, the logic thing is that there fragile minds collapsed and instead of helping there are making things worse. Fortified with lots of guns, with no highly trained officer to command, they will start shooting to everything that moves and then ask the questions.
Totally insecure place for survivors. DON’T GO.

So, what’s left to check for guns?

First place you should check is the Sport Shop.
Some shops have Fishing and Hunting Department, you can get some guns there.
Don’t forget to get crossbows too, you might find them useful.
But obviously you will find lot of things to use as a weapon:

  • Tennis / Ping Pong Balls: you can use them to make Molotov bombs.
  • Fishing hooks: can be use as grapeshot.
  • Buoys: can be used to mark safe places and make sign to survivors.

Use your imagination and don’t forget the binoculars.

Don’t forget the Tool Shop either.
There you will have unlimited arsenal weaponry.
With turpentine and little balls of tin foil you have a powerful explosive.

How to survive a ZOMBIE apocalypse (Part IV)

Supplies. (Chapter 4)

After you killed your first ZOMBIE and see the second one coming after you, don’t waste any time, search for back pack and take: 2 bottles of water, dried fruit, and chocolate. This are highly energetic food, will give you strength you need in the next days, Easy to carry, easy to eat.

The important thing is to know where to get it. Of course you can think of a mall of a supermarket, not only for quantity but for variety, right?
WRONG, there’s nothing worse than getting into a supermarket full of people in panic and provably infected with the “ZOMBIE” syndrome.
There you will be easy ZOMBIE FOOD, scared civilians, looters and law enforcement will not take long to begin shooting to the crowds trying to contain the situation.
Remember the little neighborhood shops, those little stores used to be run by a lovely old lady, that now is a ZOMBIE and you have to put her down. There you got a small place, so everything will be at reach, not much people cause there’s not much room either, you will get everything you need in no time.
But remember, don’t get greedy.
The most you get the lowest you will run and you will look even more tempting for looters.

How to survive a ZOMBIE apocalypse (Part III)

The first night (Chapter 3)

It’s really important to stay sharp, after all, it will be we worst night ever. Civilization will be crawling down, everyone is going to get really crazy or zombie, this is always traumatic for anyone.
This first night will be some kind of cosmic selection, where only those who are strong and prepared will survive.
You have to focus, from the moment that the first “dead” starts walking, social order will be meaningless, don’t let your feelings interfere with your needs.
IT has began, is time to start analyzing the ones around you and if the really deserve to live. Study their behavior, how they react in crisis and stress, which are they priorities.
I know, it’s really tough, but you can’t let your guard down even for a second, you will have to test your friends and love ones to know how far they can get, patience, physical strength, cold blooded, solidarity.
Take note of every defect, virtue and knowledge, if you need, make a chart and write down what would you get from saving that person and on the other side what would happen if you have to put a bullet on his brains.

The point of doing all this is to create a list of 5 persons minimum 10 tops that deserve to be by your side, if you are not on the list, you are only worth by the things you can carry on your back pack.
The first night will be a transition phase and the hardest night you will ever face.
The government will try to control the situation, most of the people will have faith on making it out alive, private property will still have much value to people, so it will be hard to take someone in your list from their parents or house. That’s why you have to think in yourself, leave all behind and search for a NEUTRAL ZONE.

But nothing is as easy as it seems…

Everything will start slowly.
Isolated breakdowns will start showing on the news.
But when they realized what is happening, it will be too late for them.

On the other hand, don’t go crazy saving food and water in a shelter like some crazy American, that’s sick.
Why would you do that if you already know where to get food?.

How to survive a ZOMBIE apocalypse (Part II)

Know your enemy (Chapter 2)

Everybody knows how to recognize a ZOMBIE: he stinks, have worms in the eyes, low walking and arms trying to get you, most of all, he will try to eat you. But they weren’t all the time like that, you know?

ZOMBIE history goes a long way back, ZOMBIES were known by then like “GHOULS”.
They were much alike, but they used to walk around graveyards and they only eat human dead flesh (That explains why ZOMBIES only appear on the first level of “Ghouls and Ghost”).
With time that sense of ZOMBIES was lost or replaced by another exotic and new name: Haitian Zombie.
The Haitian ZOMBIE was alive, without soul and he follow the orders of a sorcerer.
The sorcerer possessed his zombie army souls in little bottles around his house, with this he could command any order to the ZOMBIES.
At the beginning of the XX century this kind of zombie was used in American movies as me metaphoric that black people was evil and could not be around pure white Christians girls (hahahaha, pathetic). Like this we get till the 60’s, Cold war arrived and so did THE BOMB.
Radioactive fear took away all others fears that our capitalist rotten society oppresses the worker and the ZOMBIE transforms himself into a creature that attacks the humans, the kids, mom, dad, even Granma, they are all the same for him, don’t care about age, sex or race, everyone can be infected with a little bite, that’s sooooo nice.

Types of ZOMBIES

Just like degenerative liver disease for drinking vanilla Coca Cola, there are many kind of ZOMBIES, the origin is all that matters.

Here is where we start to argue about what would happen in a ZOMBIE apocalypse.
The best way is to know every type of ZOMBIE and act in consequence using your eatable brain and not all your bullets.

Nuclear waste, strange solar activity, some damn comet that touches the earth atmosphere or some partial eclipse goes wrong. These kinds of ZOMBIES are the most frightening cause it doesn’t matter if you get bitten, the radiation kill you anyway.

A strange virus made bodies to mutate, decompose very fast and make attack every human they find. They can be dead or alive, but it doesn’t matter, one simple scratch, a little bite or a nice spit would make your blood to get infected, joining the ZOMBIE legion in a couple of hours.

If this happen is cause we fucked up things, imagine god is in a bad mood and he decide to rise the dead, shut up and accept it. YOU ARE SCREWD.
It’s the same you kill 1000000000 ZOMBIES, your problems will start once you are dead (getting bitten or die old). Anyway everybody will become ZOMBIE at the end, if you get bitten, if you kill yourself, heart attack, starved, car accident, doesn’t matter, god have a pretty nice sense of humor and he decided to erase humans from the earth.

It might happen that a sorcerer, shaman, nazi or some crazy kid hearing his favorite record band backwards awakes the legion of the dead from the guts of the earth.
In this cases there’s no total invasion, they have one purpose only.
Reverting the curse is the only way to end it and then you have to get the hot girl.
In the meantime it all depends on how long the dead have been dead, longer the time, the lowest they will walk, but the bitten will be more powerful. Anyway, we are fucked.